Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
