the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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