FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
