I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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