the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
