I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
