im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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