My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
