the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
