I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
