i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
