I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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