Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
