i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
