After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
