Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
