My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
