watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
