god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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