Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have fence marks all over my body
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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