So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
