Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
