All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
