thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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