I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
