drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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