At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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