This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
