He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
