I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
