I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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