I feel great
I just peed on a car
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
