Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
