The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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