it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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