Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Mom said you looked used
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
