Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
