but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
