so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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