Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
