Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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