how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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