just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
