I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
