Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
