Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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