I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
