I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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