Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
