I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
